Monthly Archives: August 2011
By Erin Kurt
Have you ever talked sweetly to your child trying to explain that what they are doing is not very nice? What about the opposite? Have you ever yelled at your child out of frustration and hoped that by seeing you so angry your child would naturally want to stop their naughty behaviour? Or, how about this scenario – you start out trying to be the patient parent who wants to calmly and sweetly explain to your child why their behaviour is unacceptable, but when they ignore you your anger swells and you begin yelling. These methods of talking and yelling, or a combination of the two, are the three most common parenting methods.
Psychologists have labeled the first type of discipline as "Permissive" and the second type as "Authoritative". The third type, which is a mixture of the previous two, is often referred to as the "Mishmash" method.
The Permissive Method
The Permissive Method does not work because it involves a lot of talking, and children, for a large part of their childhood, are egocentric – meaning they want what they want when they want it, and life is all about them; they don’t care to listen to your long, drawn out explanations. They simply cannot comprehend and digest what it is the parent is trying to tell them. The only way they learn something is by direct experience of a consequence. Therefore, if a parent simply talks and explains and uses words like "You should", and "I wish you would", their child will tune out and quite possibly act out more because they are so tired of hearing their parent’s voice!
The Authoritative Method
The Authoritative Method appears to work at times because a child will stop the behaviour for a little while because he or she is scared, embarrassed or upset. If made to feel bad about themselves enough times, children will eventually turn resentful and revengeful against the parent. This of course will only exacerbate the bad behaviour.
The Mishmash Method
The Mishmash Method does not work for very evident reasons; the child is totally confused as to what the parent wants or feels is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. Furthermore, there is little respect for the parent who uses this method, therefore the negative behaviours continue.
So, if these three methods of discipline are the most common, but least effective, why do parents continue using them? It’s what we know, it’s what we’ve learned, and it’s what we’ve experienced ourselves.
It is important also, to ask ourselves what our underlying desire is for using a particular method of discipline. For example, is the desire that you want your child to like you? How about wanting your child to be a little scared of you?
Taking the time to understand what method you are using and why you are using it can be an extremely beneficial exercise. With this enlightened understanding, one can decide to learn how to discipline differently and more effectively. The result? A family life that is happy and fulfilling for everyone.
Erin A. Kurt, Stress-Free Parenting Expert, is founder of ErinParenting.com and the author of Juggling Family Life: A Step-By-Step Guide to Stress-Free Parenting, the proven step-by-step program that shows you exactly how to raise happy, respectful and well-adjusted kids in just 3 steps…guaranteed. To get your F.R.E.E. video series and receive her stress-free parenting articles on how to parent without yelling and get your kids to listen to you the first time, visit http://www.erinparenting.com.
This article is taken from another source. Views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not be the views of From The Pulpit and DiscoMaulvi. To submit content for From The Pulpit, please email FromThePulpit [at] MuhammadAly [dot] Com.
Which of These 4 Parenting Styles Are You? (blogs.babble.com)
“This is a moment of choice for everybody, for politicians, and for people right the way down through every part of the community.” Peter Hain (British MP from Wales)
Although Hain was talking about the situation in Ireland, the fact of the matter is that if Hain was a MNA from Karachi, he would be expressing the same sentiments about his metropolitan city. At this time, it is the month of Ramadan, when the faithful perform their ordained religious obligations of fasting, praying, and distributing charity and Zakat. This is the month when retailers and suppliers rake in most of their yearly profits and reduce their held up inventory. This is the month when social welfare organizations bombard citizens with pleas for donations and contributions. This is the month where children look forward to new clothes, new shoes, and new gifts on the occasion of Eid-ul-Fitr, the Muslim day of feast.
Come Ramadan 2011 and Karachi has been transformed into a city where streets have become rivers of blood, where the candles of happiness have been extinguished in hundreds of households, where the citizens, no matter how brave, walk or drive to their places of worship in fear and apprehension, and where there are no signs of security or sanity. This is the city where, instead of religious sermons and religious poetry heard from loudspeakers, one hears the rat-a-tat of gunfire by snipers and even desperadoes brazenly roaming around the city streets and lanes.
There is talk of thousands of policemen, Rangers, and other para-military forces devotedly performing their assigned tasks of maintaining peace and providing security to citizens. This claim is assiduously proclaimed by President Zardari’s Interior Minister Rehman “Baba” Malik as well as by newcomer Sindh Home Minister Manzoor Wassan. Unfortunately, one is a publicity-freak who ensures that he comes up with a new weekly theory, however preposterous, while the other professes to have “dreams” on every subject except how to usher in peace.
The main causes for this bloodshed, for this deteriorating law and order, for this breakdown in Karachi are not something that arose overnight. These are the outcome of the past decade of buildup of brutal power, manipulation, and control by new and old political and religious organizations.
In USA, especially in New York City, there was a time when five Families of Italian-American origin made life hell for the people and the government. In everyday terms they were known as The Mafia. Among themselves, their operations were known as Cosa Nostra, which meant “Our Thing”. They were also referred to as The National Crime Syndicate and today they have an informal set up known as The Commission. The five main Mafia Families are known as the Gambino, Lucchese, Genovese, Bonanno and Colombo Families. They are all independent but nationwide coordination is thru The Commission consisting of the heads of each Family.
These Families have branched out into various legal and illegal activities but one fact still remains. They are hoodlums and they have a penchant for muscle power. They are ethnic based, they deal in drugs, they deal in land grabbing, they deal in extortion, and they have learnt how to influence the political environment. As Mario Puzo’s Godfather Don Corleone would say, “Make an offer you can’t refuse”. The five Families have faced legal challenges and a lot of laws were used to break them but inspite of all social and governmental pressure, the Mafia is still strong, powerful, and can create havoc.
The Karachi of today is also under the control of five Families. They are also primarily ethnic-based, have well-trained militants, display and use arms openly, have been accused of extortion, murders, bombings, and political muscle. Some are major players in drugs supply, land grabbing and encroachments, extortion, and can even make or break the democratically elected government. These five Families are Pakistan People’s Party, Muttahida Quami Movement, Awami National Party, Sunni Tehrik, and Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan.
The sad fact is that gradually over the past many years all these Families have enhanced their influence over the city and have carved out their own turfs. Three of these Families are basically political parties while the last two are more oriented towards their religious manifestations. They masquerade as religious entities but in effect they too indulge in many illegal operations such as extortion, taking over of mosques, bank robberies, etc. The PPP uses the paraphernalia of a Lyari-based radical organization, euphemistically known as Amn Committee (Peace Committee). This organization has been propped up with official backing of PPP leadership to counter the influence of MQM. The Amn Committee indulges in blatant extortion, gang-wars, drugs, and protection rackets.
The business community is faced with constant threats and demands from all those forces that are on the warpath against one another. The leaders of various markets in Karachi have devised a system where they collect a fixed amount from every shop in a particular market and the money is divided between various extortionists. The government announced the disbandment of the Amn Committee but that was just for public consumption. The Amn Committee is very much active and the chits for extortion are routinely sent to businessmen. The market gossip is that an erstwhile Sindh Home Minister who has a penchant for verbal diarrhea wants to be the Don of Karachi thru this Amn Committee.
The business community has to become strong and fight back. Enough is enough. The task is difficult but when push comes to shove then drastic steps must be taken. The businessmen are tired of being coddled by Rehman Malik. He comes up with his reassuring statements and gets live coverage on the electronic media courtesy the Chamber or the Associations. As always, his bombastic proclamations turn out to be nothing but hot air. Even the police do not take him seriously. One micro example: Few days ago at SITE Association of Industry, the industrialists questioned the procedure of parading alleged criminals by making them wear a hood so that their faces are not seen. Malik assured the meeting that this would be ended immediately. As always, the police hierarchy is all deaf-ears and the old system continues. It is time the business leaders refrain from inviting him at business forums. Business organizations do not need this grotesque publicity.
Businessmen must now have their own armed militia a la the notorious Blackwater of Eric Prince. They should not demand guns for themselves because this is not a doable or advisable step as the soldiers of some of the Families have, according to Malik, latest Israeli guns. Instead, they should obtain the services of counter-terrorism experts who have retired from Pakistan Army to train an elite force. In the short term, retired Army personnel should be hired as mercenaries. Karachi businesses need atleast 300 such commandos. The modus operandi would be that whenever a market or a company receives the demand for extortion, the militia hotline would be informed. The collector would be asked to come and receive the money at a mutually agreed time, and on his arrival he would be caught, hanged upside down, and submitted to third degree torture to extract information from him. Then, gasoline would be poured over him and he should be burned to death. The CD of the whole event would be dispatched to the media, the Supreme Court, and to the Family that sent the collector. This is the pragmatic approach rather than succumbing to pressure from the extortionists and also rather than handing over the collector to the police. All that is needed are four or five such actions and the extortionists would flee the city. The ludicrous step taken by the Sindh government and Malik to “mildly warn” the extortionists to leave the city is proof positive that they have no desire to control this menace.
The other steps that businessmen should take are to compel Karachi Chamber to organize a non-violent, non-cooperation protest where all members would stop depositing their taxes and utilities bills and instead would submit these with pay orders to KCCI so that the government is forced to listen to the cries of the Karachi citizens. At the same time, KCCI must get the top hierarchy of the five Families to come to KCCI where an ultimatum would be issued to all of them to stop their nefarious activities and allow the City to flourish and live in peace. They should also be given a warning to desist from calling protest days and strikes. They should also be told in no uncertain terms that these Families should voluntarily surrender their illegal arms and ammunition, not to the police but to the Pakistan Army. They should also be categorically warned that land grabbing and drugs supplies should end immediately and all such persons within their organizations should be expelled from membership and not provided any political support.
Yes, this is a tall order and as always, the Families will not pay heed. Thus it would then be a desperate call to GHQ and Supreme Court to honor their obligations under the Constitution and help save Pakistan by purging Karachi, the City of Lights, from roguish elements.
As my friend Anwar-ul-Haq, a senior officer of Federal Board of Revenue writes:
In Bastion Ke Baasi Khudaya Teray Supurd
Toofan Uth Rahe Hain Kinaron Ke Saaath Saath
Dono Ki Ik Misaal Hai, Dono Hain Khokhlay
Insan Phat Rahe Hain Gubaaro Ke Saath Saath
Majyd Aziz is a Karachi based Entrepreneur and a senior leader of the business community. He is a former Chairman of SITE Association of Industry, former President of Karachi Chamber of Commerce & Industry, and has held posts on the board various public organizations and companies.
Originally posted 15/09/2009
Qari Muhammad Qayyam (may the mercy of Allah be upon him) related that a great deal of fighting and bloodshed had started prior to the Indo-Pakistan partition of 1947. He said that a very beautiful daughter of a very rich man in a certain community stepped out of her house to visit her aunt, who lived no more than a few streets away. Suddenly a riot erupted as she had gone halfway and she found herself trapped with apparently nowhere to go. She saw a mosque nearby and quickly went inside, sitting in the women’s section. The rioting continued late into the night and this girl did not know what to do.
The custodian of the masjid was a very young student there and late at night when he walked through the masjid before locking up he noticed this beautiful young lady. He was a respectful young man who feared Allah and so politely asked her to leave, saying that if she was found there then both would be dishonored and thrown out. She pleaded with him because of the extreme danger outside and so he agreed that she could spend the night, and sat down to study at the opposite end of the masjid.
The girl was unable to sleep with the events of the day in her mind and so watched the young man sitting studying by candle light at the opposite end of the masjid. She kept watching him and was very surprised at something she saw. From time to time this young man would extend his hand and keep it over the open flame, only withdrawing it when the flame obviously became unbearable. He then would resume his studies and continued this throughout the night until the dawn broke.
The young man called the adhan and asked the girl to leave before the congregation started coming to pray since now everything was calm outside. She agreed on the condition that he tell her why he was placing his hand on the candle flame throughout the night. The young man said that that was his own business and so the girl refused to leave until he told her what she wanted to know. The young man gave in and said, “I am at the age of youth and strong desire. We were alone and my desire was increasing, and although I was studying the shaytan would occasionally put temptation in my heart. Hence whenever I would feel any temptation I would put my hand on the flame and my fingers would burn. I would say to myself that this flame is nothing compared to the fire of Hell.”
The girl left the masjid and reached home, calming her parents’ fears as to what had happened to her. She also confided in her mother that she wanted to marry the custodian of the mosque near their house. She related the night’s events to her parents and said that only such a man with true fear of Allah in his heart can be true to his wife. Only such a man who truly fears Allah can fulfill a wife’s rights properly.
Hence the poor custodian of the mosque earned the daughter of a rich household in marriage. He received this honor not because of his looks but because of his character. Everything disintegrates and turns to dust but character remains strong. Honor is not bestowed because of handsome clothes or beautiful jewelry but because of what is in the heart. Knowledge is only beneficial when it is captured within the heart, and not merely written in books.
The above account was received via e-mail (from Tayyab Abid of Active Saturdays) with no source attributed to it. It highlights the importance of Taqwa which is a vital part of faith. Allah (SWT) says in the Quran (3:102):
Oh you who believe, fear Allah as He should be feared and die not except as Muslims.
Traditionally most translations of the Quran have an interpretation similar to the above. However, the real meaning of the Arabic word Taqwa can not be summed up as fear alone. It is a combination of fear, respect, love, and obedience. The concept of Taqwa is both a motivation factor to do good and a deterrent to stay away from all that is evil. Thus, it is best summarized as “Consciousness of Allah (SWT)”.
A person who has Taqwa has the firm belief that Allah (SWT) is watching all that he does. Thus, any and all actions are thus controlled and done from a conscious level of thought.
O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, so that you may develop taqwa.
If one were to take the traditional translation of “fear” it would not make sense since fasting should not incite fear. However, fasting does help man attain consciousness of Allah and the things around him.
Ramadan is a month where taqwa of all muslims increase, as they fast and increase their prayers, their charity, and other forms of worship.
As Ramadan draws to a close and we enter the bottom of the ninth so to say, let us pray that Allah (SWT) makes us among the Muttaqun (those who have Taqwa). Aameen.